I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I smell stomach acid.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
well you can't waste a boner
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
