ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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