Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
