i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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