fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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