you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
