god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
In other news, I just burned my penis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
