I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
