I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
