I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
