Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
