just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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