my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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