my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
