So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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