mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
