Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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