i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
