After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
