Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
FUCK WHALES
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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