yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
