fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
