I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
