do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
