My Higher Power is John Stamos
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just want nice things and good sex
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
