a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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