between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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