Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize