I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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