i don't like sucking hair
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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