If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
