It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
