Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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