I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
