Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
