Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
barbara walters just said penis...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
