I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
