Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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