If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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