I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
