i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
