Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
