I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
