I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
