I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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