Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
