Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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