I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
