So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
