I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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