I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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