Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
